[Ozzy's School. Schoolyard. Blonde Rogue is sitting on a bench and smoking a joint.]

Blonde Rogue: There's a lot of things I don't like about schools, but a school where they give you free pot just has to be a posh one!

[Dr. Rose walks up to his bench and sits down.]

Dr. Rose: Hello, man. Share?

[Blonde Rogue shrugs and hands him the cigarette. Dr. Rose inhales and puffs out smoke.]

Dr. Rose: Good shit. So you're still here?

Blonde Rogue [glancing at Dr. Rose]: Obviously. Any reason I shouldn't be?

Dr. Rose: Well… not really. I just thought you might want to leave.

Blonde Rogue: What the fuck?

Dr. Rose: Well, you fucked that claw guy…

Blonde Rogue: Ah, Wolverine. Yeah. More like he fucked me. Tricky bastard. If I'd had a hangover on top of everything, I'd just kill him. [shrugs] I'd try, anyway. But I don't see how that's connected.

Dr. Rose: Professor has heard of it.

Blonde Rogue: So what? Oh, I can guess. He disapproves same sex relationships and sex in schools in general…

Dr. Rose: Nah, none of that. The problem is of a quite different kind.

Blonde Rogue [a bit irritated]: Will you please be more specific?

Dr. Rose [taken aback]: And you can talk like that? Wow. Well, he has heard of it. And he finally got word of that magic mouth mutation of yours. We tried to keep it back from him, but we failed. Unfortunately. Well, now that he knows you're one hell of a ride… and that you don't mind being fucked, either… well, you got me. He's after you.

Blonde Rogue [eyes widen]: Kidding?

Dr. Rose [shakes his head]: No way.

Blonde Rogue: Oh no…

Dr. Rose [nods]: He's over fifty.

Blonde Rogue: Oh no!

Dr. Rose: He takes a shower once in two months.

Blonde Rogue: Oh NO!

Dr. Rose [sadly]: And he's got a 10-inch-long dick.

Blonde Rogue: OH NO!!!!!!!!!

Dr. Rose: If I were you I'd get my ass out of here.

Blonde Rogue [desperately]: Just when you find the place with regular free dinners!

Dr. Rose: You should go.

Blonde Rogue: I got you, got you. I'm packing. [gets up, walks into the building]

Dr. Rose [watches him]: Good riddance.

[His eyes DON'T turn yellow.]

Dr. Rose: Why would they? It's real, pure, genuine me. And when it comes to hot brunettes, the real pure genuine me has the ways to get rid of blonde sluts who are in the way!

***

Professor: Iron balls. Damn, what would Ritchie make of a guy with iron balls? So many powerful mutants around, but he grabs the claw guy. WHY?!

Cyclops: Maybe he just needs a new bass player. A lousy one, for a change.

Professor: You don't like him.

Cyclops: Two Italians is way too many for one Cool School!

Professor [blinks]: How d'ya know he's Italian?

Cyclops [shrugs]: He's unkillable.

[The door swings open. Wolverine whirls in, followed by Storm.]

Wolverine: Where is he?

Cyclops: Who?

Professor: Blonde Rogue. He's gone.

Storm: Hey, you knew?

Professor: Saw him leave. Out of my window.

Wolverine [rages]: Why didn't you stop him?

Professor: He looked as if he had some urgent business. And why would I care?

Cyclops [whispers]: His Blackness.

Professor: Ah! Well, no worries. We'll track him down in no time flat.

Storm [in awe]: You're going to use Cerebro?

[Cyclops also seems awe-stricken. Wolverine sighs. Everybody follows Professor down to the lower levels and along one of the shiny corridors. It ends in a big round door. They stop before it. Dr. Rose walks out of another corridor and joins them.]

Dr. Rose: You're going to use CEREBRO? Because of one little blonde slut?

Wolverine: I got rather attached to him. He's great at… pouting.

[Dr. Rose pouts.]

Wolverine: Yeah, well, and he doesn't smell of Cyke's aftershave.

Professor: Shut the fuck up. I'm going in!

Cyclops, Storm and Dr. Rose [awe-stricken]: CEREBRO!

Professor [solemnly]: Yes. And if I don't come back, may you remember me as a man of great genius who never let the side down. Even if I'm not. [does the pupil scan to open the door, wheels in]

Wolverine [eyeing the inside of Cerebro]: So. This is certainly a big round room. With a big round door. Preceded by a corridor as long as the guitar solo at the end of "Hotel California". And what's the whole point?

Professor: Nikki, you're one curious bastard, aren't you? [slides the door closed right before Wolverine's face]

Wolverine [flinches]: Fuck. What have I said wrong?

Dr. Rose: Everything! Starting with the mention of Cyke's aftershave!

Cyclops [in a trembling voice]: Don't you see? It's CEREBRO!

Wolverine: OK, I already know what it's called, but what is the big deal?

Storm [in a no less trembling voice]: Cerebro is an exquisitely made machine for searching out mutants and ordinary people. With the help of it Professor can find anyone in any place on the planet!

Cyclops: But it is awfully dangerous to use it! It requires colossal mental concentration! Incredible mental powers!

Dr. Rose: Only a powerful psychic like Professor can use it, but even he risks a lot!

Storm [big-eyed]: Cerebro!

Cyclops [also big-eyed, even though no-one can see it]: CEREBRO!

Wolverine [rolls eyes]: Spare me!

[Inside the Cerebro. Just as Wolverine said, it's a big round room. There's a device in the center of it that looks a little like a tribune. There's a lot of hi-tech stuff in and around it. Professor wheels up to it and steers the wheelchair.]

Professor: Finally. A moment of privacy. But first… [takes a cell-phone out of his pocket]

[Bet you all think cell-phones won't work in a room like Cerebro. Bet you think the signal would be blocked by the walls. But you're wrong. After all, that's science fiction. And based on a comic strip, besides.]

Professor [talks on the phone]: Yeah? Colin? Hey, man, how ya doin? Yeah, right, I need a little favor. Can you get the guys who run the satellites to do something for me? I hear they can spot a matchbox in the wood. No, I won't tell. Yeah, so I need them to find that guy. Approximately twenty, he's white, blonde hair, hazel eyes… yeah, and lips like Pamela fucking Anderson. He has a tat, too. A barbwire. He can't have gone far from my school, and you know where it is, right? Aha… waiting… Yep? No, if he has boobs it IS Pamela Anderson. I don't need her. Try again. Yeah? Bingo! Thanks! Next time you're over here, I'll take you to the finest titty bar in the city. See ya. [flips the phone off] There. Now I can relax!

[Professor reaches into the depths of the hi-tech device and pulls out a bottle of good old Stolichnaya vodka.]

Professor [giggles]: And let them think I'm racking my brains in here. [takes a gulp, lets his gaze wander over the Cerebro walls] A big round room. This guy is just too discerning!

***

[In front of the Cerebro door, half an hour later. The door slides open and Professor wheels out. If it were a car he was driving, his license would be revoked right away.]

Cyclops: Professor! God, you're exhausted!

Professor [trying to focus his eyes]: No shit. Anyway, the kid is heading to the truck-stop inn north of here. Somebody go get him.

Wolverine: Guess what? It's gonna be me. [turns to leave]

Storm [with genuine amazement]: Dude? You listen to N'Sync?!

Wolverine: No. But my senses are awfully acute. And Cyke sings in the shower all the time.

[Cyclops blushes monstrously.]

Professor [slurring]: Nikki! Come back, you dope! You can't leave the school. His Blackness may be searching for you.

Wolverine: Will anyone tell me who the fuck the guy is?

Professor [still slurring]:A very… very powerful mutant. He has power over anything that blacks people out. Booze, drugs, adrenaline. All that shit. And more.

Wolverine: So what can he do?

Cyclops: What can't he do?! He wrote "Smoke On The Water"! He threw spaghetti over Ian Gillan! He put Glenn Hughes and David Coverdale in one band and kept them together for years! He's ALMIGHTY!

Professor [slaps Cyclops on the back of his head]: If he is, then what the fuck are we trying to do? At times you sound really dumb, Jon. Especially when you smile. Get out and bring the brat back. Storm, help him. [yawns] I think I needa sleep it off. [turns the wheelchair and wheels away slowly, hitting the walls occasionally]

[Storm, Cyclops and Dr. Rose are watching him, worried, so no-one notices that Wolverine has disappeared. A few minutes later, Storm and Cyclops enter the school garage.]

Storm: Take a race car! Please, Cyke? Let's take a race car!!! I could drive…

Cyclops [staring at the empty spot in the corner]: What the…

Storm: What?

Cyclops: Who took my prize Harley?!

[The view changes, and we see Wolverine riding a big bad chrome-plated Easy Rider style Harley Davidson motorbike along a highway.]

Wolverine [looking up at the camera]: Hey, don't stare. Yes, I'm a thief. Never said I wasn't. And a bike like this is too cool for a guy who calls himself Cyclops!

***

[The inn at the truck stop. Blonde Rogue sits at the corner table, watching the crowd lazily, sorting the truck guys out.]

Blonde Rogue [to himself]: This one's too old. Might as well have stayed with Professor. This one's too young. Will drive us into a tree, two chances out of three. This one is fucking ugly… even though it's not his face I'm gonna be concerned with, but hell, can I be choosy once in a while? Ah, look at this one! The right age… good-looking… killer tats… wait a sec, that's Wolverine!!!

[Wolverine spots him, waves to him and walks over to his table.]

Wolverine [sits down opposite Blonde Rogue]: Looking for a job?

Blonde Rogue: You could say so.

Wolverine: Running again.

Blonde Rogue: Smart Wolverine.

Wolverine: Does it have anything to do with what happened last night?

Blonde Rogue: In a way.

Wolverine [looks guilty]: Hey, listen, dude… I swear I'll use lube next time. Every time. I promise. OK?

Blonde Rogue [gives a short laugh]: Accepted. But that's not the big thing.

Wolverine [puzzled]: What is, then?

Blonde Rogue [glancing sideward, leaning in]: I heard Professor was after me.

Wolverine [chokes on his breath, starts coughing]: W-w-what?!

Blonde Rogue: Hey, don't die on me. What you heard. The old fucker's after me. And don't get me wrong, it was cool what I did with you, but that doesn't mean I wanna do it with every old dick who gets horny!

Wolverine: Who told you?!

Blonde Rogue: The Rose guy.

Wolverine [catching his breath, grinning]: Ah, Red. He has his reasons, I guess. But listen… the guy's in a wheelchair. Vince, he's fucking paralyzed below the waist! He couldn't do you even if he really wanted to.

Blonde Rogue [jaw drops]: Shiiiiit! That's the ticket!

Wolverine: Honestly, dude, I'm surprised you didn't think of it yourself.

Blonde Rogue [smiling guiltily]: Well, as you said, I'm blonde…

Wolverine: So? Wanna come back with me? I went AWOL, y'know.

Blonde Rogue [smile turns into a grin]: My hero.

Wolverine: Ain't got no truck this time, but I have a killer stolen Harley.

Blonde Rogue [eyes sparkling]: A real Harley?!

Wolverine: A real Harley.

Blonde Rogue: Badass?

Wolverine: You bet.

Blonde Rogue [giving in]: But this thing about lube… you promise?

Wolverine [taking Blonde Rogue's hand in his palms]: I promise.

***

[The inn. Storm and Cyclops enter the hall.]

Storm [takes in the surroundings and spots two busty blondes at the counter]: You look around. I'll check with the barmaids. [moves on before Cyclops has a chance to object]

Cyclops [gloomily]: If only he wasn't so ungodly tall! [mutters darkly] I'll check with the barmaids, he said. Look around, he said. As if the damn visor was so good for looking around!

Storm [comes up to counter, offers his best smile]: Hello, ladies! Doing good?

[The busty blondes giggle. Busty blonde barmaids almost always do.]

Storm: Oh well, there's a little question I have. See, I'm looking for my… cousin. He's about twenty. Half my height. Has blonde hair and… [notices that the blondes have stopped giggling and are staring at something behind his back in terror] Something wrong? [turns around and finds himself face to face with Sabertooth] Oh-oh…

[Sabertooth grabs him by the throat and bumps him into the wall. The barmaid blondes scatter in fear, shrieking.]

Sabertooth [grins]: Scream for me. Come on. Let's see how you gonna yell with no air in your high-velocity lungs, you loud mouth!

[Storm gasps for air. Cyclops finally turns in his direction and notices what's going on.]

Cyclops: Oops! Just a second, Stormie! [lifts his hand to his visor]

[Just at this moment Tongueman flies through the window like a bat and uses his tongue to pull Cyclops's visor off him. Two rays of blue light shoot out of Cyclops's eyes - yes, he actually has two of them - and ruin everything that gets in their way. Yeah, blue light, not red, you got it right.]

Cyclops: Naturally. I got blue eyes, not red, huh? [notices the damage he is causing] Oops again! [screws his eyes, crouches on the floor] You think it silly to expect someone to get some ruby quartz glasses for me in a place like this, right? [sighs]

[Storm, who is almost choked to death, sees Tongueman and his eyes get wild with amazement.]

Storm [hisses]: Gene?!

[Even in this choked hiss there's enough power to send Sabertooth flying away.]

Sabertooth [lands in the wreckage Cyclops has caused]: Ow! The damnedest fucking bitch I ever heard!

[Outside the inn, Wolverine and Blonde Rogue freeze beside Cyclops's Harley on hearing the rumble and seeing the roof explode.]

Wolverine: Doesn't it look weird to you?

Blonde Rogue: I don't see roofs explode every day of my life, if that's what you mean.

Wolverine: Whatever it was, we'd better get out of here.

His Blackness [materializing right behind them]: If you want something done properly, do it yourself. [sighs]

Wolverine [turns around jerkily]: Look who's talking! [lets his claws out] I guess you're the mean old man everybody's talking about.

His Blackness: And you must be Wolverine. [raises his hand] That wild mix of alcohol and opiates doesn't run through your entire body… [snaps his fingers and Wolverine all of a sudden sways] or does it?

Blonde Rogue [freaks out]: What the hell?! Don't tell me you lived with it for so many years and now all of a sudden you OD'd!!!

Wolverine [clenches his teeth]: He's blacking me out! [to His Blackness] What do you want with me?!

His Blackness [raises eyebrows]: You? My dear boy, who ever said I wanted you?

[Wolverine spits out a short curse in Italian and collapses at Blonde Rogue's feet.]

Blonde Rogue: I know what it means. It means I need to RUN!

[Blonde Rogue turns and speeds away, but suddenly trips and stops.]

His Blackness: I'll never believe you signed up with AA, kiddo.

[Blonde Rogue moans and falls down, blacked out.]

His Blackness [shakes his head]: Young people.

to be continued...