[Back in the hall, Cyclops has changed his mind and is ready to rush his little team into the corridor when Tongueman flies in out of nowhere.]
Tongueman: Out of darkness, baby, out of darkness. It sounds better. [to theF-men] Party time, kids! [proceeds to jump on Cyclops and beat him to a pulp]
Storm [watching]: I really feel I should do something, but
Dr. Rose: [watching]: No, I wouldnt want to be on the receiving end of that hook
[Tonguemanpushes Cyclopss prone body into some closet and shuts the door.]
Dr. Rose [uses the fact that Tongueman has turned his back on him and gives him his infamous kick in the ass]: You know what, he might have the stupidest smile in the world and everything, but hes the only boyfriend I have!
Tongueman [lands in the corner]: I spit on you! [spits on him]
[His spit looks like fake blood, but its drying fast, hardening, and Dr. Rose soon has problems breathing.]
Storm [jumps away]: This shits slimey! Damn, Gene, I never knew you were so disgusting!
Tongueman: Shut up brat! [breaths some fire in his direction]
[Storm backs away from fire and falls into an elevator shaft. Tongueman pushes some button that makes the elevator doors slide closed and, satisfied, poses for the camera for the next ten seconds, his tongue stuck out and the wings of his demon suit spread wide. Then the closet door bangs on the opposite wall, torn off its hinges by a fierce beam of energy.]
Cyclops [gets out of the closet]: All the good healthy lifestyle does you! Such a monstrous beating and I was out for only a couple of minutes! [choking Dr. Rose falls down at his feet] Oh, Axl? Just a moment, honey! [tunes the visor for the next few seconds while Dr. Rose squirms at his feet, then shoots Tonguemans spit off Dr. Roses face]
[Dr. Rose starts coughing, but still keeps trying to say something.]
Cyclops [worried]: Honey? You okay?
Dr. Rose: Fuck! You burned half my hair! If thats okay, then Hiroshima was a barbecue party!
Cyclops: Come on, its not so bad
Dr. Rose: [distressed]: Ill have to wear dreads for a while
[Whiletheyre busy arguing, Tongueman prepares to attack them again. But at this moment the elevator doors rattle from a hard hit.]
Tongueman [unbelievingly]: Say whaaaat?! [jumps closer to it]
[The doors slide open and reveal furious Storm.]
Storm: You shameless scumbag! Is that how you treat all your fans?! Im asking you, is that a way to treat your fans?! [his voice gets louder and louder]
Tongueman [desperately]: Dont you people ever die?!
Storm: So thats your attitude?! I bought your records! I bought your videos! I even bought that lousy KISS box-set that went with a shitty book! I wrote in my will that I be buried in a Kiss casket! And what do I get for it?! Who do you think you are?! You think your shit doesnt stink or what? Who gave you the right to treat fans like that?!
[Sound waves get mightier and mightier, and Tongueman is practically swept out of the window. However, he shoots his tongue out and manages to hold on to a banister with the help of it.]
Storm [walks up to the window and looks out; curious] What happens to your teenage idols when a sound wave of 1000 decibels hits them?
[Storm opens his mouth and lets out a horrible narrow-focused yell. Tonguemans eardrums explode, he screams but of course we cant hear him, and then the whole banister breaks off, and Tongueman hits the ground, followed by a few hundred pounds of metal.]
Storm [disappointed]: Same thing that happens to everything else
***
[The dark corridor. Wolverine is listening to Bigsticks story.]
Bigstick: and then Ritchie called me saying he needed a percussionist. I really didnt know the kind of the job Id be doing, but I thought, hell! Working with Ritchie fucking Blackmore, who cares what I needa do! So, that proved to be fun. Especially when we were working over that Tipper bitch, you know, I really wanted to do that.
Wolverine: Yeah, cool. This all still doesnt explain why were so alike.
[They look at each other again, two guys with manes of black hair, fully tattooed bodies and crazy glints in their eyes.]
Bigstick: The fuck I know. I dont feel like fighting you, though.
Wolverine: Me neither. Like kicking a mirror. Sucks.
Bigstick: I take it you dont want to switch sides? Wed have fun
Wolverine: Id love to, but you guys stole my boyfriend. Your boss wants to kill him, and my plans for him are entirely different.
Bigstick: Ahh, my highschool buddy. But hes an asshole. And a slut.
Wolverine: But I love him. Plus hes blonde.
Bigstick [mutters]: Cheap bleach, believe me. [sighs] So what do we do?
Wolverine: Mmmm I could just go back to the bunch of losers I came here with and say I killed you. And you can pretend to be fatally wounded, and then Ritchie wont kick your ass.
Bigstick: Youll have to draw blood. Hes a shrewd old fuck, he wont buy it.
Wolverine: Easily! [shoots out his claws, stabs Bigstick in the stomach] There.
Bigstick: Ouch! IT HURTS!
Wolverine [surprised]: Really? [stabs himself in the stomach] Damn, youre right. [heals] Sorry, man.
Bigstick [smiles]: You sick fuck. Good luck.
[Wolverinewalks back into the light. The F-men are waiting for him, alarmed.]
Wolverine: Hey, its me.
Cyclops: That I dont doubt. But Id really love to know which one of you it is!
Wolverine: Youre Cyclops. Youre a dick. Plus you listen to NSync and use a horrible aftershave.
Cyclops [gloomily]: Okay.
[They proceed to the head of the statue where Wolverine all of a sudden starts swaying.]
Wolverine: Everybody get out of here!
Storm: What, you gonna puke?
Wolverine: Have no idea. But I remember this feeling!
[Wolverine drops down, as good as dead. Both Storm and Dr. Rose feel funny, then feel bad, then feel awful.]
Storm: Oooooh! I guess I shouldnt have had my usual whisky for the road!
Dr. Rose: And I shouldnt have kept you company
[Storm and Dr. Rose collapse on the floor, blacked out. Cyclops looks around, bewildered. A segment of the roof falls down with a loud crash, giving way under Sabertooths leap. His Blackness materializes beside it.]
His Blackness: Ahh, my frie Hey you! Why the hell are you still standing?!
Cyclops: You have no power over me! I quit drinking early in my youth, and since then Im clean! Even a few times I fell of the wagon, I took care to eliminate every trace of alcohol from my system! [pats himself on the chest pocket] Alka Zeltzer Super F, baby!
His Blackness: [trying different modes on him]: Pills?
Cyclops: You kidding.
His Blackness: Powder?
Cyclops: You tripping.
His Blackness: Prozac?
Cyclops: Youre crazy. I smile more than an average flight attendant. Why would I need Prozac?!
[Sabertooth gets up and socks him in the face. Cyclops joins his blacked-out teammates on the floor.]
His Blackness: Thanks, Zakk. He was starting to be really annoying.
[From the distance come Blonde Rogues desperate high-pitched yells of Help! Somebody help!!!. That, and his natural high tolerance help Wolverine wake up, but he doesnt show it, and His Blackness and Sabertooth dont notice.]
His Blackness [looking in the direction of the yells]: Ive got some business to attend to.
Sabertooth: Can I kick the loud blonde around a bit? Please?
His Blackness: No. You stand out on the banister and keep watch. I have no-one but you to do it. Tommy disappeared and Gene has let your screamer make mincemeat of him. [disappears]
Sabertooth [sulkily]: Okay [walks out onto the banister]
***
[The Statue Of Liberty. Torch. His Blackness materializes beside yelling Blonde Rogue. Blonde Rogue, amazed, breaks off in the middle of the yell.]
His Blackness: Honestly do you think anyone is going to help you?
Blonde Rogue: Well, once they did but honestly? No.
His Blackness: Then why make sounds?
Blonde Rogue: Its a tradition.
[His Blackness nods and unveils the machine. Its bigger than the one weve seen, more amplifiers, more neon lights. Blonde Rogue stares at it in awe.]
His Blackness: You are going to power it, kid.
Blonde Rogue: But but its too big!
His Blackness: Yes, and you are going to die but it will be a death that goes down in RockNRoll history!
Blonde Rogue: Sure makes me feel better.
[His Blackness feels in the insides of the Jukebox and pulls out a power cable that ends in a okay guys, lets be plain. It ends in a big rubber dildo.]
Blonde Rogue [sarcastically]: Its so fucking symbolic! [sighs] Couldnt you just give me the cable without applications?
His Blackness: [shrugs]: I thought this way itd feel more familiar.
Blonde Rogue [darkly]: Thanks a lot. Nice to know that the most general opinion of me is that I suck!
His Blackness: Now, we can do it two ways. Way one you just take it in your mouth and start working. Way two I start fucking with your head again. Or call Sabertooth and he does things to you until you agree to take it in your mouth and start working. He seems to have developed a passion for blondes.
Blonde Rogue: [shudders]: No, thanks. Way one, please.
His Blackness: I thought so. [hands him the cable] And Ill just sit down and enjoy the evening. Im pretty much tired, to be frank with you.
Blonde Rogue: [sighs again]: Just one last time, okay? [yells] HEEEEEEEEELP!!! [takes a deep breath] Alrightie. [takes the cable in his mouth and starts working]
***
[The Statue Of Liberty. Head. Wolverine is squirming on the floor, trying to reach Cyclopss chest pocket. Finally he succeeds and pulls Alka Zeltzer Super F out of it.]
Wolverine [staring at the medicine]: Its gonna hurt. I know its gonna hurt. Im lucky if it doesnt kill me. [screws his eyes] My entire blood and lymph system! All gone to hell! [bites his lip] No, I cant do it.
[Blonde Rogues last yell reaches Wolverines ears, and he shudders.]
Wolverine: Bastards! I gotta do it! [opens the vial, takes one pill, then shakes his head and downs the whole bottle into his throat]
[For a while nothing happens. Then Wolverines eyes widen. Violent shudders run through his entire body. He screams. Luckily, it ends fast.]
Wolverine [moans]: Alice Almighty! Im too old for such tricks! I have to hurry, though I feel that it wont last long. [hears the steps, pretends hes still blacked out]
[Sabertooth enters the room. He has heard the scream. He looks warily at the lifeless bodies at his feet.]
Sabertooth: And who of you righteous little fuckers yelled, I wonder? [no reply] Ah, as long as they all are still here, I dont really care. [his stare stops at Storm] Aww, our little screamer! How are you gonna scream for me now? [steps closer] Bitch. Just to think that I used to be the same a cute lanky blonde boy, and of Ozzys crew, too [sighs]
[Wolverine glances at Sabertooth whos absorbed in his monolog and decides its time to strike. He lets his claws slide out slowly and almost soundlessly, then leaps up and taps Sabertooth on the shoulder.]
Wolverine: Excuse me.
Sabertooth [turns around]: Yeah?
Wolverine: You have low blood iron level. [stabs him in the chest]
[Sabertoothgrowls and hits back, trying to use his claws on Wolverine. The fight goes on for a while, being, of course, completely pointless, since both fighters have superb fighting skills and uncharted regenerative abilities. Finally Wolverine stops.]
Wolverine: Hey. Lets wind it all up. Youre the bad guy. I although I never ever got the fucking vote am officially a good guy. This shit is, like Vinnie noted, an action movie. Listen, dude, you should give up.
Sabertooth: Oh really? Why would I give in to some prettyboy milksop sucker?
Wolverine: I aint no milksop sucker! First, Im older than you. Second, Im so cool, Ozzy Osbourne drinks my piss!
Sabertooth [impressed]: Oh that changes the situation! Say hi to Oz for me! [steps off the edge of the roof, disappears from sight; in a second a short PLOP! is heard]
Wolverine [panting]: Finally. [walks back into the Head] Hey guys.
Cyclops [from the floor]: You guys are done? A bad fight like this can spoil an innocent by-passers hairdo
Dr. Rose[opens eyes]: Would serve him right for spoiling mine!
Storm [gets up]: I thought I heard somebody scream Did they clone me while I was out or something?
Wolverine [clenching fists]: That was Vince. And Im getting him out of this shit now!
[Cyclops eyes the surroundings pensively]
Cyclops: Theyre at the Torch Youre not gonna get there in time.
Wolverine: Youre gonna help me. They say in order to make us LA Wolverines do anything real one has to light a fire under our ass.
Cyclops: Sure as hell because thats what good guys do?
Wolverine: No. Because when I get him back Ill leave your boyfriend alone.
Cyclops [brightens]: Good point!
Wolverine [looks at Dr. Rose]: Its too far. Ill need your help, too. That unmatched kick in the ass Its just what I need right now.
Dr. Rose [grimly]: Yeah? Why would I use my only gift to let you get your blonde slut out of the trouble he fully deserved?
Wolverine: Because otherwise Ill kick your skinny ass to the Moon and back, and then tear your carrot head off, you got me?
Dr. Rose: [darkens]: Good point...
Storm [raises hand and starts bouncing]: Can I please help, too? Dude, I can scream you there in a minute!!! Please! Please!!!
Wolverine [stares]: Wow. Good point.
[And thats how the most vital part of the operation started the F-men, united by the highest aims and reasons possible, drew their power together for the last, crucial strike]
Wolverine: Fuck that. Kickstart my AHHH!!!!
[Cyclopseye-shoots, Dr. Rose kicks and Storm screams all at once. Wolverine closes the distance between the Head and the Torch amazingly fast.]
Dr. Rose: Oh hell. Hes gonna crash!
Cyclops [excited]: You see the future?!
Dr. Rose: No, dumbass I see whats happening!
Wolverine [seeing the Jukebox rapidly approach]: FUCK! [reflexively shoots his claws out]
His Blackness [seeing Wolverines trajectory]: FUCK!!
Blonde Rogue: [not seeing shit]: Mmmm!!! [thinking] *FUCK!!!*
[Wolverinecrashes into the machine, strategically choosing the power block as the point of the clash. The power block explodes, throwing him and Blonde Rogue off. The Jukebox makes a few weird sounds and goes dead.]
His Blackness: [looks at it, then at the Head where Cyclops, the only F-man he has no power over, prepares to take a shot at him]: Fuck electricity-powered stuff. I knew it sucked even as I was helping create it. I quit. Renaissance-styled acoustic shit should be more evil anyway [disappears never to be seen in this movie again]
Blonde Rogue: [coughing]: Right in time, dude! I was fucking choking on that thing! Dude dude?
[Wolverine doesnt respond]
Blonde Rogue: Duuude dont fucking die on me. Dont you dare fucking die on me! Come on, were both California men! Gimme a Hollywood ending!!!
[Wolverine still doesnt respond]
Blonde Rogue: [crawling up to him]: Nikki, please If you wake up Ill let you do me doggystyle [no reaction] Ill let you tie me up! [no reaction] Fuck, I wont even mind if you bite!!! [no reaction] Oh no. I guess that means he really is
[Cyclops, Storm and Dr. Rose appear near them. Dont ask me how they manage to get there. I have no idea.]
Cyclops [sad]: Dead? I guess so. Poor Nikki he was a real deal guy
Storm [surprised]: I thought you hated him?..
Cyclops: When someone dies, good guys are supposed to be sad. Im doing my job, so fuck off.
Blonde Rogue [with sudden determination]: No! I dont care if this movie is supposed to have a happy-end, but if the screenplay writers didnt take care of it, I will!!! [tears Wolverines pants open]
Storm [eyes widen]: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
Dr. Rose [unbelievingly]: Hes going to get him going?!
Cyclops [shudders]: But but Almighty Alice! Thats necrophilia!
Blonde Rogue [snarls]: Almighty Alice wrote I Love The Dead, so dont repeat his name in vain, superhero. Besides, this is more like voodoo
[Everybody watches in silence as he gives Wolverine one last long look, tears welling in his eyes, then closes his eyes and gets down to business. As usual.]
Storm: Isnt this supposed to make me want to throw up?
Cyclops: The fuck I know. This wasnt in the script. [watches] But he sure knows a few tricks
Dr. Rose [elbows him]: If you dont stop peering at him, you gonna learn a thing or two about the tricks I know!
Cyclops: Better watch and learn, you
Dr. Rose [slips into hysterical depression]: No-one loves me! Everyone hates me! And they're gonna kill me off in the second movie anyway!
[Storm and Cyclops are busy trying to calm him down. So they dont even notice it that Wolverine has unexpectedly come back to life. To some very active private life.]
Wolverine [slowly opens his eyes]: Holy shiiiiit this kid can raise the dead!
Blonde Rogue: [having finished his job]: YAY!!! Youre alive!
Wolverine [propping himself up and hugging Blonde Rogue]: Never felt more alive in my life, baby! So what was all the talking about letting me tie you up?..
Blonde Rogue [wiggles free from his hold]: Wha?!.. You werent dead! You were fucking with me!!!
Wolverine: No, but I had that funny out-of-body experience
[Blonde Rogue shakes his head and kisses him. Cyclops is tired of arguing with Dr. Rose, so he kisses him. Storm feels a bit lonely, so he searches behind the remains of the Jukebox, finds slowly healing Bigstick there (why there? Why not there?!) and kisses him, too. Bigstick doesnt mind.]
[Inside the Cerebro. Professor is holding a bottle of whisky in one hand and a cell phone in the other, talking]
Professor: What do you say, Colin? Kissing? Oh fine. Just like them. And Im sitting here in a fucking wheelchair, waiting for the news Okay, thanks a lot, expect a very special present this Christmas! I mean it. Okay, see ya.
[Professor puts the phone in his pocket and stares into the distance dreamily]
Professor: And as always, they are so lazy, Ill have to do all the work for them. Repair Jons bike Get The Dirt book for Nikki so he can remember his past send Ritch a comfort card fuck. Thats what Christmas really is. [takes the last sip of whisky, whips out a red cap with a white pompon; sighs] So much fucking work to do. [stands up, kicks off his wheelchair and disappears]
[Basically this is the end of story. The world stayed the same, so our heroes were still special. Cyclops and Dr. Rose decided they were the best for each other because no-one else could stand either of them for long, so they stopped arguing. Cyclops has recently gotten a part-time job advertising Blend-A-Med. Storm threw out his Kiss Box-Set and is now a Billy Idol fan. He and Bigstick still have a thing going, but they have problems finding a bed they both can fit in when Bigstick is in his real shape. Wolverine and Blonde Rogue left the F-Men Mansion and went on a year-long honeymoon which ended on Cayman Islands all Motley holidays, mysteriously, end up right there. Wolverine has almost finished reading the story of his life, and Blonde Rogue has learned to love getting tied up. Professor well, he continued existing and thus keeping the rocknroll world in awe. And they all lived happily ever after with no worries and no hopes for a sequel which made their family life much easier.]
~ Da Happy End ~