[Airport. A crowd of angry housewives (plus some rednecks) holding large banners. The banners say a lot of things, most of which could boil down to MUTANT MUSIC CAUSES MAJOR MORAL DETERIORATION, HEARING LOSSES AND CRISES OF SOCIETY, if only they knew such words. Or to HEAVY MUSIC SUCKS, if only they used such words. A limousine arrives. A woman gets out of it, waving to the crowd and nodding at the banners approvingly. That's Senator Tipper. The crowd cheers. Senator Tipper goes onboard a private helicopter, followed by a guy in a suit. The helicopter takes off.]
Senator Tipper [talking on her cell phone]: Senator, you favor TV censorship, yes? Well, some of these so-called musicians possess more than ten times the molesting power of Janet Jackson's nipple during direct broadcast!.. No, I don't see any difference. I see our children having uncontrolled sex in the backseats of their cars to the sounds of amoral, indecently rhythmic music… Well, that's fair enough. Alright. [flips the phone off]
The Suit Guy: So?
Senator Tipper: Lay off. I feel bad. I hate flying. I don't know why I let them get me into a helicopter. [looks out of the window; screws her eyes] Sh… sugar!
The Suit Guy: What about the UN summit you are invited to? The whole world is going to see that. You could use it to your advantage, lady.
Senator Tipper: We're Americans, and I don't care… Wait a cotton pickin' minute. LADY?
The Suit Guy [coughs]: I meant "ma'am".
Senator Tipper [looks at him suspiciously]: Thanks God you didn't say "dude". That's an awful word. No-one knows how dangerous it is to say dude. One day you say dude, the next day you bleach your hair, in a week you're listening to hair-metal! Watch your tongue.
The Suit Guy: Yes, ma'am. But that summit… that could be one hell of a gig!
Senator Tipper [whips around and stares at him, shocked]: What was that, young man?!
The Suit Guy: Ah, fuck that. I'm tired.
[He starts shape-changing. The suit, the Rolex, the decent haircut - everything moves, squirms, changes color and so on until we finally see an almost naked guy tattooed all over sitting in The Suit Guy's seat. That's Tommy the Bigstick. The last pieces of clothing re-morph into a leopard tattoo, and Bigstick looks at Senator Tipper defiantly.]
Senator Tipper: PILOT!!!
Bigstick: You know, people like you were the reason I couldn't lay a single bitch when I was at school!
Senator Tipper: How dare you! How dare you talk like this to a lady! How dare you go out in the streets with only tiny leather shorts on! How dare you…
Bigstick [sighs]: I didn't really want to do what I'll do now…
[Bigstick kicks the door on Senator Tipper's side. The door slides open. Senator Tipper gets a wonderful view of the sea from a few thousand kilometers above.]
Senator Tipper: JEEEEEEEEEZUZZZZZ! [faints]
Bigstick: Finally! I thought my tattoos would do the trick, dammit.
[Tongueman in pilot's seat grins and sticks his tongue out, but it is censored. Just because.]
***
[Ozzy's School. Dr. Rose's lab. Shirtless Wolverine is lying on the same table he had a chance to get familiar with before. Dr. Rose is fussing about with different medical stuff.]
Wolverine [eyeing Dr. Rose's ass as he bends over]: Umm… Sorry, dude.
Dr. Rose [turns around]: For what?
Wolverine: I hurt you. [points to Dr. Rose's neck]
Dr. Rose: Ah, that. Yep, that sucked.
Wolverine: Hey, I apologized!
Dr. Rose: The next beer's on you. Let's see…
Wolverine [grins]: So, couldn't wait to get my shirt off again, huh?
Dr. Rose: Actually, yes. There's a deadly cool tat on your shoulder I'd like to see more closely. That rose one. [points at the rose tattoo on Wolverine's shoulder] That'd be very appropriate for me, with that name I have, wouldn't it? Where did you get it? Sunset Strip Tattoo?
Wolverine: Nope. Sorry again, dude. My wounds just heal into that stuff, I don't always get as lucky as with that rose tat either.
Dr. Rose: Tough luck. OK, put on your shades cuz it's gonna be sunnyyyyy! [with a kick sends the table into the X-ray machine]
***
[Later. Ozzy's office. Professor, Cyclops and Storm are listening to Dr. Rose. There's a screen on the wall where different medicine-like photos change at slow pace.]
Dr. Rose: The metal in his balls is an alloy called adamantium. Supposedly indestructible… but he still feels pain there. I accidentally dropped a volume of Medicine Encyclopedia on his crotch while he was still on the table, and he yelled like a bitch. Anyways, it was surgically engrafted. No-one is born with balls of metal.
Storm [shudders]: How could he have survived a procedure like that?!
Dr. Rose: How do men survive vasectomy? Plus he has uncharted regenerative ability.
Professor: Hey son, who are you talking to?
Dr. Rose: Oops. I mean, he heals quickly, and really, I don't know what it takes to kill this guy. You know what his bodily fluids are? Purest alcohol with some heroin thrown in for good measure! Such concentration would've killed anyone! This guy pisses Jack Daniels on smack! By the way, that also makes his age impossible to determine. He's alcoholized, just like those frogs preserved in alcohol, so he doesn't age. He could be older than you, Professor.
Professor: No-one can be older than me. So someone experimented on the poor fucker. Not that it's unheard of. People do stuff like that. Not to mention penis enlargements.
Dr. Rose: He doesn't remember who did it to him. There's actually not much that he remembers. And half of what he remembers is either hallucinations or… [blushes] sexual fantasies. Ahem.
Cyclops [raises an eyebrow]: You signed up as his sexologist, darling?
Dr. Rose [blushes again]: You know I have wide specialization.
Cyclops [disapprovingly]: Let's not forget he has something to do with His Blackness.
Professor: He or the blonde slut he brought in with him.
Storm: Wait, I still don't get one thing - what about his claws? Where does this come from?
Dr. Rose: Ah, this. This was done by his own request. He wanted to play bass without a pick.
Cyclops [blinks]: But you can't play bass with claws that grow on your knuckles!
Dr. Rose: They weren't supposed to grow on his knuckles.
Cyclops: Then why do they?
Dr. Rose: When he was pointing the spots out to the surgeon, he was shitfaced, as usual. So he missed a little.
***
[His Blackness's lair. The cave-like room. Senator Tipper is trapped in a chair in the middle of it. Bigstick is standing in front of her, Tongueman beside her and Sabertooth behind her. She looks about, downright freaked out to see so many long-haired men at once. A stray dove flutters at the ceiling. Tongueman spots it and, deciding to put on a show, flicks out his enormously long tongue, seizes the bird and starts munching on it in the most disgusting way.]
Senator Tipper [cringing]: Eww!
Tongueman [spitting the former dove out, also cringing]: Exactly. Was a bad idea.
His Blackness [materializing beside Senator Tipper]: Tongueman's got a wicked tongue, Senator Tipper. Just like you. Also, just like you, he often bites off more than he can chew. Damn, you might be relatives.
Senator Tipper: Who are you? And what have you done to my secretary?!
His Blackness: Your secretary got fed up with you a long time ago and ran off with your family jewels. But you never missed him - I had my Bigstick here keep you company. He takes so many shapes.
Senator Tipper [eyeing Bigstick spitefully]: I knew I should have taken a woman for this job. But they gossip…
His Blackness [taking out a little notebook]: Are you a God-fearing woman, Senator?
Senator Tipper [perplexed]: Why would you want to know?
His Blackness: For statistical purposes.
Senator Tipper: I'll have you all banned. Not just PG'd, I'm talking solidly, legally banned!!!
[His Blackness walks out of the cave-like room onto a terrace, dragging Senator Tipper's chair along with the help of some supernatural power.]
His Blackness [walking]: It's not surprising, really. People like you have always tried to stop others from doing what you yourself can't do. Like it's our fault you don't get any from your husband.
Senator Tipper [overwhelmed with emotions]: It's… it's… unheard of!!!
His Blackness: I'm afraid everyone has heard of it, Tipper. But you don't need to worry about it. And certainly you won't have to worry about your campaign. [quietly] Not anymore.
[At the end of the terrace there stands an intimidating machine built of huge amplifiers, flashlights and other techno stuff. It looks a bit like a giant jukebox. Senator Tipper stares at it, terrified.]
Senator Tipper [voice cracking]: What do you intend to do to me?!
His Blackness: Let's just say, have some fun.
[His Blackness gets inside the machine and turns it on. Amplifiers wake up and multicolored lights start flashing, and from somewhere deep inside the machine a heavy guitar riff comes, first faint, but then louder and louder.]
Senator Tipper: NO!!!!!!!!!!!
[The machine growls, amplifiers boom, and the riff gets unbearably loud, although Bigstick, Sabertooth and Tongueman don't seem disturbed. Senator Tipper screams as flashing lights absorb her.]
***
[Ozzy's School. Wolverine's new bedroom. Dr. Rose is showing the guest around.]
Dr. Rose: I don't think you'll be all too comfortable here, but at least we got rid of the rats.
Wolverine: There used to be rats? [sniffs the air suspiciously]
Dr. Rose: Yeah, and we couldn't get rid of them until Professor personally took up the job.
Wolverine: So where's your room?
Dr. Rose: Down the hall. Why?
Wolverine: I'm thinking about stalking you. Funny how I never liked doctors before…
Dr. Rose [sadly]: Too bad I'm not alone there. I live with Jon.
Wolverine [raises an eyebrow]: The anal guy? Is that your gift? Putting up with nerdy one-eyed superheroes?
Dr. Rose: Yes. And, apart from that, I'm telekinetic. I can move things without touching them.
Wolverine: Wow! Show me?
Dr. Rose: Umm… OK. Watch me. [looks around, notices a chair, gives it a wild kick; the chair flies across the room, hits the wall and crumbles to pieces] See? Technically, I didn't touch it. My boot did, but not me. And I moved it!
Wolverine [cautiously]: Weeeell… that was… impressive.
Dr. Rose [contentedly]: I know.
[The door opens a crack and Cyclops peeks in.]
Cyclops: Honey, it's time for bed.
Dr. Rose: Yes, Jon. Harass me a bit longer and you won't get out of that bed for a month.
Cyclops [smiling widely]: Oh my! Is this a promise?
Dr. Rose [sighs]: He's so… proper, I feel bad pulling his chain. C-ya later, Nikki.
[Dr. Rose walks out of the room past Cyclops who remains standing in the doorway.]
Wolverine: What are you waiting for? A goodnight kiss?
Cyclops [blushing severely]: No! I wanted to tell you to stay away from my boyfriend, but that'd be wasted on you, right?
Wolverine: Never were more right in your life, dude!
Cyclops [shrugs]: I thought I'd give it a try. Night. [turns around and walks out]
Wolverine [shakes his head]: Analysts…
[Wolverine gets into bed and soon falls asleep. Almost immediately, he starts dreaming. Or having a heroin trip, which would be more correct. So he tosses and turns, and makes sounds. Blonde Rogue is in the next room, so he hears the noise.]
Blonde Rogue: Promised myself one hundred times to stay away from junkies. Damn. That must be just my luck. [sighs, gets up]
[Blonde Rogue walks up to Wolverine's bedroom door, opens it and steals in. Wolverine is tossing in his bed, disturbed by the flash-like images of a large needle going towards his balls. Which Blonde Rogue doesn't know, of course.]
Blonde Rogue: Hmm. [stands there watching for a while] He looks hot when he's all sweaty and stuff. Plus his sweat smells of whisky. My fantasy man. [sighs] But I won't sleep a wink if he keeps doing that shit.
[Wolverine hits the wall in his sleep, causing a few watercolors and a huge poster of Black Sabbath to fall off.]
Blonde Rogue: Yep, that very shit. OK, let's do something about it.
[Blonde Rogue picks a few books from the shelves, plops down in an armchair and starts throwing the books at Wolverine one by one. The fourth book wakes him up, so he sits up in a jerky motion, letting out a growl, the claws sliding out, ripping through the book.]
Blonde Rogue: Oh-oh. Remind me not to be there in the morning with this guy!
Wolverine: Who?.. What?.. Ah, Vince! What the fuck are you doing here?! Wait, that's yet another dumb question. You're waking me up. [draws a deep sigh] I was afraid I might have hurt you.
Blonde Rogue [pouting]: Do I really look as dumb as to get close to you while you're tripping?
Wolverine [shrugs]: Well, you're blonde.
Blonde Rogue [waves his hand dismissively]: Sure, sure. Better tell me something: now that you are awake, you have perfect control of these sharp long thingies in your knuckles, right? You're not gonna slice me apart if I get into reaching distance?
[Blonde Rogue gets up and walks across the room towards Wolverine's bed.]
Wolverine [watching him]: Of course… reaching distance?
Blonde Rogue [smirks]: You obviously need some distraction… and I need a nightcap. I thought we could help each other out. You mind?
Wolverine [smirks back]: And you don't beat around the bush, do you?
[Wolverine pulls Blonde Rogue down under the blanket. There's some fuss that goes on for a while, then a protesting yell.]
Blonde Rogue: Hey! What do you think you're doing?!
Wolverine: Do you think it's time to play the shrinking violet? Stop that shit and come over here.
Blonde Rogue: I mean it! Keep your hands to yourself!
Wolverine [eyes widening]: You really mean it?! You've never ever done it?!
Blonde Rogue: No I haven't! And I'm not going to!
Wolverine [amused]: Ha! And how did you manage it, I wonder? Hitch-hiking through half the continent and never getting your…
Blonde Rogue [blushes]: It's not your business! [calms down a bit] Well, it's just that I have that magic mouth gift. After I try it on them, they don't want anything else. You're the only one who wants more. One greedy motherfucker!
Wolverine: Hey, I didn't know! [tentatively] But… you never wanted to try?
Blonde Rogue: I've been told it hurts.
Wolverine: It's fun!
Blonde Rogue [moving away]: For you it sure is!
Wolverine: Hey, come on. How do you know you don't like it if you never ever tried it?
Blonde Rogue: Don't even think of it!
Wolverine [slyly]: Okay, okay… can I at least kiss you? A nice little kiss, to make up for all the trouble?
Blonde Rogue [smiles uncertainly]: Can't see why not…
[A long French kiss follows. When Blonde Rogue finally breaks it off, his eyes are a bit unfocused.]
Blonde Rogue: Shit… I feel so weird…
[Wolverine kisses him again. After this kiss Blonde Rogue's gaze is pretty much hazy.]
Blonde Rogue: Oh no. Let me guess… you have that stuff in ALL your bodily fluids, right?
Wolverine: Such a smart kid. So what about experimenting a little?
Blonde Rogue: I'm not so sure…
[Wolverine kisses him again.]
Blonde Rogue: Ah, whatever. Just make sure I still can walk tomorrow.
[What follows depends on the version of the movie that you have. In the legal version, you get some more under-blanket fuss with maybe a few meaningless close-ups. In the director's cut, there is a long, clearly pornographic sex scene. Yes, the politics of double standard. However, in both versions, it ends with a long shameless cry signaling that Blonde Rogue has found the results of his experiment pretty much satisfying.]
Wolverine [trying to catch his breath]: Easy, easy. You'll bring the whole fucking school in on us. So how are you feeling?
Blonde Rogue [stretching]: As if I had spent the whole day and the better part of the night riding a bicycle with a damaged seat. But it's better than I thought it would be.
[The door opens and Storm, Cyclops and Dr. Rose walk in.]
Cyclops: Santa Maria Madre Dias! What are you guys doing here?
Wolverine: Some very private things.
Cyclops: But that scream! I thought you'd impaled him here!
Blonde Rogue [snickers]: He did. In a way. I think it's time for bed if I still want to catch some sleep. Hope I don't get a hangover in the morning… [gets out of bed and, swaying drunkenly, makes his way out of the room]
Cyclops: You know what it's called, Wolverine? It's called malicious molestry!
Wolverine [defensively]: He's 20! According to the script, anyway.
Storm [yawns]: You guys are nuts. It's 2 a.m. in case you didn't know! I'm out of here. [turns around and is out of there]
[Dr. Rose, overwhelmed with cold rage, follows Storm out.]
Wolverine: And what are you waiting for again, Cyke? You sure you don't need no goodnight kiss?
[Cyclops rushes out of the room.]
***
[His Blackness's lair. Now we see that it is situated in an underground mutant nightclub. The camera pans over a headbanging crowd to the wall above it, where an inconspicuous door approximately 12 feet above the floor opens a crack. We see a glimpse of Senator Tipper's face before she pulls back, terrified, slamming the door. In a few moments, she opens it again, a bit wider this time, so we get a glimpse of her hair - it looks teased. Then, as if hearing something behind her that finally gave her determination, she pulls the door open. Now we can see the whole of her. It's a terrifying picture. Her hair, indeed, is teased and seems to be lengthened. There's heavy make-up on her face. She's wearing an ill-fitting short jacket, an even more ill-fitting mini-skirt, a tight lace top and ripped fishnets.]
Senator Tipper [looking herself over, sobbing]: I have no choice!
[Another camera angle. His Blackness walks into Senator Tipper's cell, followed by Sabertooth.]
His Blackness: So how are we tonight, Sena… [sees the opened door and a stiletto-heeled boot lying beside it] Oh shit. [walks up to the doorway]
[He looks out of the doorway and sees Senator Tipper hanging above the crowd, holding onto the chandelier-like gas lamp on the wall.]
Senator Tipper [screams]: What have you done to me?!
His Blackness [shrugs]: Styled you up a bit. Believe me, now you look much better. And by the way, it's pointless. Your trying to escape, I mean. Who would take you in now that you look like one of us?
[Senator Tipper is about to say something, but the chandelier gives way. She shrieks as she falls down into the heated crowd.]
Sabertooth: Ouch! That's a tough kind of stage-diving!
His Blackness: You bet. It's all over with this woman.
Sabertooth: Hey, but why would someone make a door 12 feet above the floor?
His Blackness: Exactly for an occasion like that, should it happen. Fuck her. Let's go on with the main plan. [turns and walks away]
[Sabertooth follows him, then stops and looks back.]
Sabertooth: You sure she's… y'know, gone?
His Blackness: They're moshing. She couldn't have survived.