***
[Ozzy's School. Wolverine's room. Wolverine, Cyclops, Storm, Dr. Rose and a very hungover Professor are holding a kind of a war council.]
Wolverine: Now I hate to break it to you like this, but you gotta know it, pal: YOU FUCKED UP!
Storm: And why didn't anyone tell me there's gonna be Tongueman there?!
Cyclops: I still don't understand what's your problem with him, Stormie.
Storm: I can't fight Tongueman! He's my teenage idol! I'd rather…
[The building starts vibrating as Storm's voice raises higher and higher.]
Professor [grabs Storm by his cloak]: Turn the volume down, kid! You're not helping my han… my headache a bit!
Wolverine: You said the old fuck wanted me!
Professor: Nope. Jon said the old fuck wanted you. I have nothing to do with it.
Wolverine [turns to Dr. Rose]: And you… you…
Dr. Rose [insulted]: What? Me what? Shit, are you in love with that blonde bitch or something?
[Wolverine ponders over Dr. Rose's supposition for a while, then shakes up.]
Wolverine: I'm going to find him! [walks out of the room]
[Storm hurries after him.]
Storm: Wait!
Wolverine [turns to him]: What now?
Storm: If you're going there, could you do a thing for me please?
Wolverine [surprised]: Sure…
Storm [hands him a scrapbook and a pen]: Please take Tongueman's autograph for me!
Wolverine: No problem.
[Wolverine walks up to the door, opens it and almost bumps into Senator Tipper who's right behind it.]
Wolverine [steps back]: Holy shit! What the hell is this?!
Storm [stares]: An old overdressed whore? No? Looks like that…
Senator Tipper: I'm looking for Dr. Axl Rose! [passes out]
[Senator Tipper is taken down to the medical lab ASAP. She lies on the table as everybody else crowds around her, trying to guess what happened to her.]
Dr. Rose: That's that Tipper bitch. But how does she know my name and whereabouts? I'm officially freaked!
Professor: She must have seen you on the TV when you spoke about your feelings about the mutant registration law.
Dr. Rose [blushing]: When I was drunk?
Professor [mercilessly]: Yes, when you were drunk. What's the thing with her? Why's she wearing that stuff? Why does she reek of Jack Daniels?
Senator Tipper [opens eyes; weakly]: I was… violated…
Professor: Yeah? And why were you looking for Axl?
Senator Tipper: I was afraid if I went to the police, they would…
Professor: Treat you like a mutant? [looks her over, cringes] We don't look like you. Not all of us.
Senator Tipper: Tell it to the ones who did it to me!
Professor [sighs]: Bring me a glass of vodka. Or get Wolverine to piss in a cup. I need to go psychic.
[In a minute Professor gets his booze, goes psychic and uses his telepathy on Senator Tipper. A few moments later he snaps out of it.]
Professor: I saw everything so vividly! The shit you gave me was strong. Vodka or Wolverine?
Cyclops: Wolverine.
Professor: At least you're honest. Now I know Ritchie's plan! It's so terrible!!!
Cyclops, Dr. Rose, Storm and Wolverine [all grab popcorn and pepsi and plop down on a couch]: Come on, tell us!!!
Professor: It's not exactly a bedtime story, kids. But OK. His Blackness has created a horrible machine - Jukebox From Hell. It triggers mutation in ordinary human beings. If they listen to it for long enough they become mutants, you hear me?!
Dr. Rose: But this mutation is unnatural. And partial. Senator Tipper acquired such mutant characteristics as the constant urge to get drunk and an addiction to very loud music, but her body remained the same. As a result, her liver and her eardrums began to break down almost immediately!
Professor: However, some can survive. A lot of non-mutant people are heavy drinkers and football fans. Their livers and eardrums are adjusted.
Cyclops: Hey, but what's so terrible in this all? Except for the poor dying old bitch. People would stop putting us down… We could reveal ourselves completely… I could be a teenage idol… the prepubescent girls' dream…
Professor [slaps him on the back of his head again]: Jon, you're downright DUMB! If his plan works - although judging by what I've seen, it's going to kill him, - half of humanity will die - in which case I, personally, won't give a shit - but the other half will survive as mutants. They'll be just like us! Picture this! EVERYBODY WILL BE LIKE US! How cool will you be then? How cool will we ALL be then, huh?!
[Cyclops freezes as this realization dawns on him]
Storm [voice breaking]: We won't be outcasts?!
Dr. Rose [in terror]: They won't arrest us?!
Wolverine [pale as chalk]: There won't be anything to rebel against?!
[Professor nods grimly.]
Wolverine [still as pale]: This will NEVER happen!
Senator Tipper [from the table]: Hey guys… I think I'm dying here!
Storm [annoyed]: Who the hell cares!
Senator Tipper [sobs]: Do you hate normal people?!
Storm: No, if they're a few decades younger than you are and have big boobs. Other than that - well, sometimes.
Senator Tipper: Why?
Storm: Woman, do you have any brains left? They outcast us, outlaw us, beat us, kill us, insult us and don't let us say "fuck" on the TV - and at the Wembley Stadium, mind you! - and you're asking me why?!
Senator Tipper: Oops, I said a wrong thing again. Time to die. [gasps, dies, turns into a decomposed skeleton, all in a minute]
Wolverine [stares]: Wow. That was kind of cool. Like a vampire movie or something.
Professor [sighs]: So much talk about manners, and she didn't even have the decency to do it outside the house. No, she had to mess up the lab table.
Wolverine: A great epitaph. Now tell me one thing: what does His Blackness need Vinnie for? Apart from obvious amoral reasons that first spring to mind.
Professor [shrugs]: I don't know. You were going there, anyway, so why don't you ask him when you meet him? You can also pass my hello.
Wolverine [to himself]: An autograph for Storm, greetings from Professor… when did I sign up as a postman?..
Cyclops: Hey - I have a guess!
Professor: Sure…
Cyclops: I mean it. Blonde Rogue's mutation is the magic mouth gift, right?
Wolverine and Storm [in chorus]: Right! [break off, stare at each other in surprise]
Cyclops: He can get anything going, right? I remember that damn washing machine he got going when he just arrived!
Dr. Rose: Everybody's watching that damn blonde! Maybe I should get bleached?
Cyclops: And you, Prof, you said if His Blackness uses himself to power the Jukebox From Hell, he'll die, right?
Professor: Yeah, I saw him scrambling out of it in the Tipper bitch's mind, and he looked downright exhausted.
Cyclops: Does he strike you as a suicidal type?
Professor: Umm, hardly…
Wolverine: I got it! He's going to use Vinnie's gift to get the Jukebox going!
Cyclops: Exactly. Now, don't I rule? [swells with conceit]
[As tempting as it is to answer, Wolverine leaves the question unanswered. Instead he asks his own.]
Wolverine: Since you're the Einstein here, why don't you tell us where he took Vinnie?
[Cyclops looks a bit embarrassed.]
Professor [with a sigh]: I don't even have to use any psychic powers to tell you that. It's so symbolic. If you were a wicked foreigner who came to America, what place would you choose to desecrate with usage for your evil purposes?
Storm: The Statue of Liberty!
Dr. Rose: And there's that Ellis Island not far from it. He'll take out really rich and important people this way! The UN summit, we forgot about it!
Professor: OK, kids. Looks like you'll have to take a little business trip. Baz and Jon, get the jet ready. Axl, give Nikki our uniform.
Wolverine: Uniform?! I hate uniforms! I don't remember my past, but I know for sure I didn't wear uniforms even when I was at school, and I'm not going to do it now!
Professor [slyly]: It's leather.
Wolverine: Oh!
Professor: Black leather.
Wolverine: Aw, alright then.
Cyclops: Wait a minute. You don't mean he's going to be in the team, do you? Look at him! He's psycho! He's DANGEROUS!
Wolverine: Now, talking danger, I won't mention the truck-stop fireworks just because I'm nice. But will someone explain yet another thing to me: what team? What uniform? And why don't I get a vote again?
Professor: F-men.
Wolverine: F-men?!
Professor: Yeah. Just like in the movie title.
Wolverine [at sea]: Okay… but why F?
Professor: This single letter possesses huge connotative power. Alluding mental images of such words as fucker, fucking, fuckery, foul, fool, fiend, feral, fondle, finger and even fellatio. More questions?
Wolverine [blinks]: No…
Cyclops: But he can't…!
Wolverine: Fuck yourself, you fucking fool.
Professor: He's got the spirit of the great F inside him. He'll do OK. Now hurry!
***
[Near Liberty Island. A lone boat approaches the shore. There's no-one ashore: all the guards had been watching Playboy Channel when Sabertooth leaped in on them and killed everybody. Now it's he who's watching Playboy Channel, so no-one greets the boat as it steers. Onboard the boat, Blonde Rogue is handcuffed to a wall of a cabin.]
Blonde Rogue [looking at the handcuffs]: No. Now, after a few more hours, I'm perfectly sure that's not my kind of a sex game. [looks again] But it would be cool to wear them instead of a belt-buckle, man!
[Bigstick enters the cabin.]
Blonde Rogue: Hey, dude, do you know if per chance I can keep the handcuffs after this shit's over?
Bigstick [looks down on him]: The last thing I'd care about if I were you. Plus you're not going to survive this night.
Blonde Rogue: And I didn't know. [falls silent]
[Bigstick leans on the cabin wall and stands there. Aimlessly. After some time Blonde Rogue speaks up.]
Blonde Rogue: Hey, man - I know you!
Bigstick [shape-shifts into a dreadlock hip-hopper hastily]: No you don't!
Blonde Rogue: Yes I do! We went to school together!
Bigstick [spits]: Shit. Well, let's say I can't stand you since then.
Blonde Rogue [leaves Bigstick's remark without notice]: Yeah, and I remember that Saturday night out in the last grade when you shape-shifted into a geisha… [smiles at the memory]
Bigstick [pissed]: I was just sixteen! And shut the fuck up! [hurries out of the cabin]
Blonde Rogue [shrugs]: A weird dude.
His Blackness [entering the room]: How are we doing?
Blonde Rogue: Fine, thanks. Are you going to kill me?
His Blackness: Yes.
Blonde Rogue: Why?
His Blackness: Would be pretty dumb of me to die myself if I can kill someone else instead. Plus you're blonde…
Blonde Rogue [exasperated]: Do you guys know any other phrase?!
His Blackness [continues, undisturbed]: … and blondes are always victims. Anywhere, from fairy tales to De Sade novels.
Blonde Rogue [struggles to come up with a non-victim blonde; fails due to overall nervousness]: Ah. Whatever. I guess it's too late to get dyed.
[Sabertooth enters the cabin.]
His Blackness [to Sabertooth]: Watch the guy for a few minutes. I'll get the Jukebox in place.
***
[Ozzy's School. Wolverine, Cyclops, Storm and Dr. Rose are studying a map.]
Cyclops [pointing at some places on the map]: All right, we can insert here at the George Washington Bridge, come around the bank, just off of Manhattan…
Wolverine [sighs]: Dude, you're pointing at the great deserts of Egypt right now…
Cyclops [pulls back his hand, bites his lip]: Was never good at geographry. But trust me, I can find the Statue of Liberty without a map. So we'll land right there, on the far side of Liberty Island.
Wolverine: What about harbor patrol and radar?
Cyclops: Bad guys are there ahead of us. What harbor patrol? [smiles] So nice to have somebody do all the dirty job for you…
Wolverine [appraisingly]: You might not be just as dumb as I thought…
[They all proceed to the dressing room to squeeze into impossibly tight black leather uniforms and then on to the F-Men Jet, Thunderbird.]
Wolverine [gets down into his seat, looks himself over]: I feel as if I was going to star in a hardcore S&M movie. [eyes shine with delight] Do you guys really get out in these things?
Cyclops [starts the jet engines]: Well, what do you prefer? Yellow spandex?
Wolverine: No, but red would do. And stilettos, please.
[Dr. Rose gives him a funny look. Wolverine pierces through his glove with his claws, then looks himself over again, and also rips the uniform on the knees and elbows, then rests against his seat, satisfied. Dr. Rose shrugs and turns away. Cyclops takes the jet off and brings it over to Liberty Island, NY. There he lands it on the water with a giant SPLASH!.]
Cyclops: Oops, sorry.
Wolverine: You call that a landing?
Cyclops: What should I call it? A watering?
[On His Blackness's boat.]
His Blackness [on hearing the splash]: Bigstick, Tongueman, stay sharp. We're not alone.
Sabertooth: Can I go, too? I need to nail that damn long tall screamer!
His Blackness: No you'll stay. I don't wanna be alone when that claw guy comes for his boyfriend. After I do such a shitload of work, I'm going to be pretty much weakened, and he's got claws - I mean claws, not a halfhearted attempt at claws like yours.
[Sabertooth growls.]
***
[Statue Of Liberty. The F-men enter the hall. Wolverine suddenly stops and starts sniffing the air.]
Cyclops: I told you a shower once a day won't kill a man.
Wolverine: Shut up. There's someone here.
[Wolverine turns to the left and disappears in a corridor.]
Dr. Rose: What did he mean - there's someone here? There's us here!
Cyclops [looks him over]: And you didn't even get bleached yet…
[Wolverine emerges out of the shady corridor.]
Dr. Rose: Oh great. So what did you find there?
Wolverine [confused]: Me…
Storm [even more confused]: W-what?
Wolverine: There's another me there, and I don't know what to do with him! I don't want to punch myself in the face!
Cyclops [annoyed]: Is that stuff in you getting too much in your brains now?
Wolverine #2 [emerges from the shades in the corridor]: It always was in my brains, dope.
Storm [blinks]: I quit drinking, man. That's a bit too much.
Cyclops [weakly]: Even one of you was too much for me! And now THAT!!!
Dr. Rose [looks at Wolverine, then Wolverine #2, then back]: Which of you prefers blondes?
Wolverines [in chorus]: Me!
[Dr. Rose gets gloomy.]
Wolverine: We need to sort this out. [takes his twin by the upper arm] Let's have a couple words tete-a-tete, dude.
[They walk off together.]
Cyclops [shakes his head]: Alright. Back up.
[In the corridor, the two Wolverines are sorting this out.]
Wolverine: Okay, let's see. I have JD for blood.
Wolverine #2: Me, too.
Wolverine: I have claws. [shows claws]
Wolverine #2: Yeah, same here. [shows his own set]
Wolverine [troubled]: Then what do we do?
Wolverine #2: Umm, I can shape-shift. Can you?
Wolverine: No!
Wolverine #2 [brightens up]: Then it's all clear. You are Wolverine. And I am… [shape-shifts a bit and turns into Bigstick]
Wolverine [stares at him]: You still look like me.
Bigstick: I know.
Wolverine: Hey, but who are you, dude?
[Bigstick sighs, sits down on the floor Indian style and prepares to tell a story.]